Sunday, October 3, 2021

I want to reclaim my life

Yo, folks. As I plan to delve into the world of opening up online (again), and as I've been watching a lot of witchcraft videos of late, I've come to realize.

I want to reclaim my life.

This is nothing new.

I've tried before...

I lived a stifled, sheltered, negatively religious upbringing until I was around 20 years old. Nine years later, I'm still a lost soul in this fucked-up world and blame myself for it. Truly, I do. Not my parents, though I certainly could, but myself

I suffer from debilitating major depressive disorder. I'm trying to make myself better, but...I'm tired. I am truly, absolutely...tired. Tired of trying, tired of failing.


I'm going to keep on, anyway. ๐Ÿ˜“ I hope...this time it is worth my while.

There are a few things I suppose I need to do before I can be "truly happy".

Whatever that means... ๐Ÿ˜’

Living situation

I just moved to my new apartment, where I am now, in February. Despite this, the entire space looks as if a tornado went through it and has no visible and definite chance of changing anytime soon. I am not surprised.

I don't know how, but I want to get to a place where I am healthy enough to take back my living space. I won't be able to and cannot focus if my living space looks like...this.

I live in constant, utter disgust with myself.

I've had my older brother come over to help me clean, but he has...a life. He works full-time and he has a stressful job. He is also trying to get to a place where he can start a family. 

And, admittedly, I'm far too embarrassed to ask anyone else I know to help me. I will take a picture of my bathroom to show you what it looks like, one day... ๐Ÿ˜” Just to give an example of how bad things have gotten.

Physical appearance

2017 vs 2021
This might sound stupid, or at the very least shallow, but I want to be small again. I don't feel pressured by society to be small. I want to be small again.

This is for me.

I don't know how much weight I can realistically lose right now and still be healthy, but frankly, I don't care if I'm a little underweight. I'd rather be underweight than overweight, and I know that isn't healthy either. But that's where I am.

This is my choice, my desire. My body.

I only don't know how in the nine Hells how to start losing weight, not with me as I am now, mentally.

Mental state

If this is indeed the way I will look, weight-wise, until I perish, I want to at least come to some sort of fucking peace with it, which I certainly am nowhere near at now. 

But, along with my eventual path into witchcraft, maybe transitioning medically will help with that. 

My PCP can provide me with medically transitioning. I am fortunately part of Whichever it is called, it allows me to have access to LGBTQ+-related care obscenely easily. I am most grateful for this.

All I need to do is ask, I suppose. Ask to start taking hormones and the process will go from there. It's as exciting as it is terrifying. Terrifying for one reason, though...

My family is still involved in my life. And while, in several ways, I am thankful for this, it also fucks with my head. 

My family is Muslim. They will not take my transitioning well. They will not take anything about me well. They think they know me but they do not. 

Therein lies the problem...

To conclude

I want to be healthy. I want to be happy. I don't remember what it was like to be either.

I just...

If I have to live in this fucked-up world, I at least want to have my own inner peace.

I know, I know...

I have to fight for it. That's what I'm worried about.

I don't know if I'm strong enough to go forward with that fight against myself.


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