Tuesday, September 21, 2021

Moving my weight around

Yo. I've had this topic on my mind for some years, now. But coming back from therapy recently brought these thoughts back to the forefront of my mind.

I've been dealing with weight issues since 2017 when I came back from Job Corps and moved away from my abusive boyfriend. I was homeless for about three months but I am grateful that I was part of a program that got me a place pretty damn quickly. ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿพ

It was shortly after that, however, that I started having problems with...lack of activity. Now, the main reason for this is that I wasn't comfortable with where I lived, which was, admittedly, not the best place. Before this, I walked everywhere. But I was in no place to complain.

Circa 2017

That's pretty much when it all started...

I used to have a whole closet full of clothes that fit me. They were curated meticulously from secondhand stores online, offline, and brand-new clothes also from on and offline. 

I had corsets...vests...awesome pants that put Tripp to shame....and amazing tops.

Once I gained weight, all of that became impossible to fit into, and my years and years of gathering clothes after leaving Islam, which meant so much to me, became...useless, meant nothing.

So, you're probably thinking, just lose weight, dumbass. ๐Ÿคจ

If only it was that simple. 

Goddamn, I wish it was that simple...

It's hard not to be hard on myself. My depression is closely linked to suicide ideation, and my inability to be kind to myself is somehow part of that. Maybe it makes sense to a therapist. I don't understand it...

As of today, I weigh 239 lbs. The heaviest I've ever been in my life. I try to wear clothes that hide my figure but...it's impossible to hide my width. I can't fit into my old clothes. I can barely fit into my old underwear. But I refuse to buy new clothes in my new size because then I'll be stuck with a wardrobe full of clothes that I hate.

I'd rather be uncomfortable...than hate myself more than I do already. ๐Ÿ˜ž

The diet culture

Of course, I'm aware that today, there's a fucking unhealthy obsession with dieting and eating well and hating fat people and mocking them and all that. I understand. I deal with it, too. The self-hate. Obviously.

There's even a part of me that wonders, truly wonders, if there's some truth to the diet culture or whatever you want to call it. After all...there was once a time when large people weren't very common, yeah? Or...so we're made to think. If we did exist, we weren't nearly as "rampant" and common or whatever you want to say as we are today.

Us fat people, I mean. ๐Ÿ˜”

Now, there was a time when natural or shall we say normal-sized bodies were desired. I understand that, too. Bodies go "in" and "out" of "style" like clothes, and especially if not specifically for femme people, for some ungodly reason. ๐Ÿ˜’

Gods, I can't fucking stand humans, sometimes.

Anyway...

The pic shows what I wore when I went to therapy. It's one of three outfits I wear, or have to wear, from my current closet. All clothes are from my old wardrobe except my top. It's a The Hu band shirt. 

Said band is coming to New Haven on the 22nd. I doubt I'll be able to go see them, though... ๐Ÿฅบ

-:{๐ŸŽƒ}:-

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