Yo, folks! So, there's been something on my mind for a while. It bothers me constantly but I often wonder if there's really anything I can actually do about it...
So. I am trans, as I've said and made clear a million times. A trans man, though I prefer the term transmasculine. Maybe for now; the journey of self-discovery is a wonderful thing. Anyway, despite this, I still outwardly dress quite femme at times. Not necessarily because I want to but because that's all that's available in my wardrobe right now.
Yeah, you're probably thinking, just get a new wardrobe, man!! Unfortunately, it's not so simple for me...
...or maybe it is and, as usual, I've just been making things hard for myself...😟
I have a problem with money. I don't spend it wisely. I'll be the first to admit that with tears in my eyes. It's something I am greatly ashamed of. I either spend what very little money I have on food or on accessories. That's because of two reasons:
- Shopping for accessories online is so freaking easy
- Shopping online for clothes, since I've gained a lot of weight, is so fucking hard
- Shopping for clothes offline is almost just as mentally hard since I'm embarrassed of my body and the clothing stores I can afford are very far away; I don't have a car
Maybe these are excuses. Maybe they aren't. Even I'm not entirely sure. All I am certain of is that I am ashamed. Ashamed of everything. Ashamed of my body, ashamed of living the way I do, ashamed of fucking breathing. Such a waste of space...
But that's for another time.
Back on topic, this pic shows how I typically dress when I'm not wearing the same "masculine/neutral" outfit every day (that I will show some other time).
...I don't like it, but it's literally one of the few things I could salvage from my old wardrobe that still fit me. It's a very flattering dress, don't get me wrong. But I just...It's so feminine, yeah? 🙁
It's not for me.
One day, I will be able to dress the way I desire. I just don't know when I'll be able to get the courage to shop wisely again. Or maybe the smarts to? Hm. We'll see, I guess, in the future.
So, I personally have nothing against dressing feminine as a transmasculine individual. It's simply not for me, as I said. Whomever feels comfortable dressing however they want, all power to you! I follow so many incredible people on Instagram who I practically envy because they just have the most amazing confidence to dress the way they want...
One day, eh?