Tuesday, September 21, 2021

Moving my weight around

Yo. I've had this topic on my mind for some years, now. But coming back from therapy recently brought these thoughts back to the forefront of my mind.

I've been dealing with weight issues since 2017 when I came back from Job Corps and moved away from my abusive boyfriend. I was homeless for about three months but I am grateful that I was part of a program that got me a place pretty damn quickly. ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿพ

It was shortly after that, however, that I started having problems with...lack of activity. Now, the main reason for this is that I wasn't comfortable with where I lived, which was, admittedly, not the best place. Before this, I walked everywhere. But I was in no place to complain.

Circa 2017

That's pretty much when it all started...

I used to have a whole closet full of clothes that fit me. They were curated meticulously from secondhand stores online, offline, and brand-new clothes also from on and offline. 

I had corsets...vests...awesome pants that put Tripp to shame....and amazing tops.

Once I gained weight, all of that became impossible to fit into, and my years and years of gathering clothes after leaving Islam, which meant so much to me, became...useless, meant nothing.

So, you're probably thinking, just lose weight, dumbass. ๐Ÿคจ

If only it was that simple. 

Goddamn, I wish it was that simple...

It's hard not to be hard on myself. My depression is closely linked to suicide ideation, and my inability to be kind to myself is somehow part of that. Maybe it makes sense to a therapist. I don't understand it...

As of today, I weigh 239 lbs. The heaviest I've ever been in my life. I try to wear clothes that hide my figure but...it's impossible to hide my width. I can't fit into my old clothes. I can barely fit into my old underwear. But I refuse to buy new clothes in my new size because then I'll be stuck with a wardrobe full of clothes that I hate.

I'd rather be uncomfortable...than hate myself more than I do already. ๐Ÿ˜ž

The diet culture

Of course, I'm aware that today, there's a fucking unhealthy obsession with dieting and eating well and hating fat people and mocking them and all that. I understand. I deal with it, too. The self-hate. Obviously.

There's even a part of me that wonders, truly wonders, if there's some truth to the diet culture or whatever you want to call it. After all...there was once a time when large people weren't very common, yeah? Or...so we're made to think. If we did exist, we weren't nearly as "rampant" and common or whatever you want to say as we are today.

Us fat people, I mean. ๐Ÿ˜”

Now, there was a time when natural or shall we say normal-sized bodies were desired. I understand that, too. Bodies go "in" and "out" of "style" like clothes, and especially if not specifically for femme people, for some ungodly reason. ๐Ÿ˜’

Gods, I can't fucking stand humans, sometimes.

Anyway...

The pic shows what I wore when I went to therapy. It's one of three outfits I wear, or have to wear, from my current closet. All clothes are from my old wardrobe except my top. It's a The Hu band shirt. 

Said band is coming to New Haven on the 22nd. I doubt I'll be able to go see them, though... ๐Ÿฅบ

-:{๐ŸŽƒ}:-

Saturday, September 18, 2021

Dressing femme

Yo, folks! So, there's been something on my mind for a while. It bothers me constantly but I often wonder if there's really anything I can actually do about it...

So. I am trans, as I've said and made clear a million times. A trans man, though I prefer the term transmasculine. Maybe for now; the journey of self-discovery is a wonderful thing. Anyway, despite this, I still outwardly dress quite femme at times. Not necessarily because I want to but because that's all that's available in my wardrobe right now. 

Yeah, you're probably thinking, just get a new wardrobe, man!! Unfortunately, it's not so simple for me...

...or maybe it is and, as usual, I've just been making things hard for myself...๐Ÿ˜Ÿ

I have a problem with money. I don't spend it wisely. I'll be the first to admit that with tears in my eyes. It's something I am greatly ashamed of. I either spend what very little money I have on food or on accessories. That's because of two reasons:

  • Shopping for accessories online is so freaking easy
  • Shopping online for clothes, since I've gained a lot of weight, is so fucking hard
  • Shopping for clothes offline is almost just as mentally hard since I'm embarrassed of my body and the clothing stores I can afford are very far away; I don't have a car

Maybe these are excuses. Maybe they aren't. Even I'm not entirely sure. All I am certain of is that I am ashamed. Ashamed of everything. Ashamed of my body, ashamed of living the way I do, ashamed of fucking breathing. Such a waste of space...

But that's for another time.

Back on topic, this pic shows how I typically dress when I'm not wearing the same "masculine/neutral" outfit every day (that I will show some other time).

...I don't like it, but it's literally one of the few things I could salvage from my old wardrobe that still fit me. It's a very flattering dress, don't get me wrong. But I just...It's so feminine, yeah? ๐Ÿ™

It's not for me.

One day, I will be able to dress the way I desire. I just don't know when I'll be able to get the courage to shop wisely again. Or maybe the smarts to? Hm. We'll see, I guess, in the future.

So, I personally have nothing against dressing feminine as a transmasculine individual. It's simply not for me, as I said. Whomever feels comfortable dressing however they want, all power to you! I follow so many incredible people on Instagram who I practically envy because they just have the most amazing confidence to dress the way they want...

One day, eh?

...One day...

-:{๐ŸŽƒ}:-

Sunday, September 12, 2021

I made a video site

—but it isn't completely done, yet! It's for my future YouTube videos and their transcripts—specifically that, actually. Despite it not being done, if you click the picture below, you'll be taken to the official domain and rather swanky-looking site.

Yeah, so. It's not much at all right now, of course, but it's nice to look at. Nice to see all my graphics are coming in handy. ๐Ÿ˜€

So, I think I mentioned why I'm doing transcripts? It's just something I always sort of wanted from other peoples' videos so I thought I'd go ahead and do it for my own—my own future videos, that is. Always good to have theses things set up ahead of time. 

At least, I think so~♥

Also, it keeps me busy, dammit. I literally have nothing else to do!! ๐Ÿ˜ซ I can't imagine just going day to day unless I was doing these things...and having blog entries and SpaceHey really helps...๐Ÿ˜“

As you can see, I gave it the nickname of Eve's Channel! And keeping everything under Google makes my fucking life so much easier. ๐Ÿ˜ฃ

-:{๐ŸŽƒ}:-

Friday, September 10, 2021

Thoughts on TikTok and why I have one

Ah, TikTok. It's like Twitter and Instagram if they had some mutant baby. ๐Ÿ˜… Eugh.

Yo, folks! As I've stated before, my desire is to be an internet personality unlike any seen in modern time. One that isn't artificial or focuses on...certain crap that has taken over the conventional internet-slash-mainstream. I don't really know how to explain it myself. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพ‍♂️ I just know what I want to and generally how I'm going to do it.

And...at least as I see it now, that means having a TikTok. However, as I've thought and thought and thought about it, I've considered...Maybe I don't need one. Instagram is 1) bad enough and 2) pretty much all I need. I don't need the "bling" and flashy lights that come with TikTok. 

Honestly, I'm not certain why I made an account on that accursed site anymore. ๐Ÿ˜•

See the lock?

Therefore, I am going to keep my account on TikTok private for now. I doubt it'll ever come in handy, but you never know. ๐Ÿ™„ Not to mention I'm too lazy to see if my username will become unavailable if I delete my account. ๐Ÿ˜‘

That's that, I guess. 

-:{๐ŸŽƒ}:-

Wednesday, September 8, 2021

Thoughts on Patreon

Not Patreon itself, mind you. 

Yo, folks! I've been thinking about making a Patreon account. It...Well, there's really no reason to make one right now. From what I've seen, the only way I could successfully make any good videos with good quality is through my iPod and while that's an awesome idea, I don't currently have the means to buy an iPod stand. ๐Ÿ˜• That's extremely important.

Oh, and did I mention my the walls in my room are fucking blue? That's just. WHY? I'd have to also buy a tapestry for a backdrop and those can be somewhat expensive...unless I buy simple black fabric.... ๐Ÿค” 

I mean, why not, eh? Better than nothing.

Ah, well...

So, then. Three or so items: a light, a tripod, and a backdrop. I have no idea right now how much that'd cost. As for gaming, well. I can do that with my computer webcam. Thing is, what games can I play? I suppose I can play The Sims 4? It's really the only game that plays best.. There's also TERA Online...I think

Hmm... ๐Ÿคจ

Ah, well. It'd be better than nothing. 

...I think. ๐Ÿ˜–

Not having good specs on my PC fucking sucks, man...

For the moment, I might have to stick with YouTube videos and Sims 4 gameplay...

Better than nothing. All content creators started somewhere.

Right. Patreon.

Patreon

A little teaser~

Patreon means having something to offer. So, since I don't have anything to offer right now, I'll focus on YT and Twitch. My Patreon account, which I have set up but haven't launched, will remain unlaunched for now. Once I have a more stable...uh...setup?...I'll ask the community, maybe, what I could offer or something??? 

I'll have to see what other content creators who do what I'll do offer to their watchers. Yeah. ๐Ÿคจ Hm. 

-:{๐ŸŽƒ}:-

Tuesday, September 7, 2021

SpaceHey, the MySpace revival site!

Yo, folks! There's a site called SpaceHey! It's an...interesting site. I like it. It's a nostalgia site modeled after MySpace in its early days and heydays. I remember those days, man. I can't wait to see where the site goes since the site's still very very young, not even a year old...! I think.

I made a profile there! It's going to be a place for my social stuff. I will never make a Facebook or Twitter account. At least no time soon. No. Time. Soon. I hate both sites. Maybe in the future, SpaceHey will change, but...it's good for now. 

My profile! Ain't it swanky?

My favorite thing to do right now is to look through the blogs! How awesome is it that they have blogs?? And forums?? AND GROUPS?! I've posted in both as well as uploaded some blog entries (copies of the ones from here). Unfortunately, the forums and groups seem a lot less active than the blogs, but that's alright. For now, hopefully.

The only problem is that I have to make the font larger, at least to match the font size I have here. That makes sense... ๐Ÿ˜–

I'm going to make a separate blog entry from the ones here on SpaceHey asking for some older, more mature users to swarm! I've seen a lot of interesting folks on the site but they're all younglings. 

Ah, so...I think that's that?

-:{๐ŸŽƒ}:-

Saturday, September 4, 2021

What I plan to do

Yo, folks! Been a few days. Not sure how often I should update, or even what is appropriate to post when I have things on Instagram, too. But... ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพ‍♂️

Came back from Downtown, New Haven a few hours ago. There's this place called Noodle Shack that is an extension of York Street Noodle House on...well, York Street. ๐Ÿ˜ The tofu coconut curry soup was absolutely delicious!! 

Anyways. I thought I'd talk about what I plan on doing here on this blog...and YouTube, while I'm at it.

YouTube

YouTube is going to be an extension of Twitch, once I get around to streaming. Oh, though I also plan on uploading my own original videos that'll have nothing to do with video games for the most part like fashion, opinions, and...opinions. ๐Ÿ˜… I'm a highly opinionated fella and I need an outlet for my opinions.

No, seriously. I do. ๐Ÿ˜ฅ

Some things I'll talk about/upload include:

  • Reactions to
    • Video games
    • Movies
    • Trailers
    • Anime (rarely)
    • Manga
    • Music
    • Music videos
  • My transition journey
  • Outfits
  • Music-related discussions
  • Video game discussions
  • Manga-related discussions
  • Internet and world happenings of interest
  • Metalhead stuff
  • My witchcraft journey

And maybe...the occasional video reply? ๐Ÿค” Not sure 'bout that, honestly. 

And probably more in the future. ๐Ÿ™‚

This blog

Overall, this blog is going to have elaborations on things that I might post on my other social media accounts. If I do post anything related to my videos, they might be transcripts and...hm, not sure what else. But I like the transcripts idea! A lot. ๐Ÿง

I might give this blog a nickname. Not sure what it could be, though...Eve's Quipping. Yeah! ๐Ÿ˜ That's fun. 

-:{๐ŸŽƒ}:-

Wednesday, September 1, 2021

Introduction!

Yo! Elian here. ๐Ÿ˜ I haven't really made a blog entry since LiveJournal's heyday, so pardon me if my entries are rather...uh, not good. I'm going to try to do my best with this blogging thing. ๐Ÿคจ

You may be asking, why did I decide to make a blog? Well, I like talking. I'm a rather lonely soul, almost literally, and every now and then I have things on my mind that I have no one to talk to about. So why not make a blog? I doubt it'll go anywhere but you never know.

If I haven't made it painfully obvious, my name is Elian "Eve" Hollow. I am a 29-year-old transmasculine man, assigned female at birth, and am returning to the world of the internet after like a million fucking years of staying away. That's not to say I didn't do things, I just didn't participate in the social aspects of it. I am back to socialize!

Where to start, where to start...

Eh, well. This is just an introduction post. Take it as you will. It's the first of September here and thirty minutes after midnight so I should technically be in bed. Also! I have plans to go out later and maybe do some picture-taking, take in some fresh air...get some kombucha. All that jazz.

I made some recent music purchases and did some interesting video searches related to music so I might talk about that. Oh, and video games, too. I'll figure this stuff out as I go along, I guess.๐Ÿ™‚

-:{๐ŸŽƒ}:-